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A Prayer, Vraja lila devi dasi


A Prayer
Excerpt from Vraja Lila Devi Dasi's diary

August 23,1993, Novorossisk, Russia

(written before I start to chant my rounds)

Dear Srila Gurudeva, dear Lord Krsna,

Please give me your merciful glance, please listen to my prayer.

I am taking my beads and clenching them for a minute, full of hope. Those beads have been given to me by you, Srila Gurudeva. You gave me the holy name. You said, "The holy name is Lord Krsna Himself." But still I am just begging you, "Give me Krsna!"

A lot of time has passed since my initiation, but still I remain in the same place - a beginner. The moment of death is getting closer and closer, but I am still inattentive while chanting the holy names. Soon the curtain will close and the actor will be thrown off the stage. The time is coming when everything will change. That thought is so terrifying for me. I will even be forced to abandon my own mind and everything that it composes. My dear Lord, then I will call You, but first I must realize that Your holy name is my only shelter. I continue to chant, all the while maintaining my material ambitions. I am so ignorant and neglectful. Will You still give me your causeless mercy? Please answer me! I should scream like somebody who is drowning, but where is that scream? Where is that hope against hope to be saved? How horrible it is for me not to have the desire to serve the holy name. 0 my Lord, I am terrified to lose Your mercy. Although I am so wretched and miserable, please give me a drop of Your mercy. Forgive me, and let me have at least a spark of hope. When will I clutch desperately at Your lotus feet! My Lord, my heart is not at all clean. I am begging You, please pacify my senses and enter into my heart. I really want to change my heart into one made of nectar, but that is possible only by Gurudeva's mercy. Being on my own I am drowning in the bog of my anarthas, and because of this vicious illusion I can't chant. But my efforts are supported by you, O Srila Gurudeva.

My dear Lord Krsna, please accept this, my prayer - and I hope you are pleased by it, Srila Gurudeva. I pray that my desire to chant will increase. I want to become really absorbed by the nectar of the holy name, as you are, O Srila Gurudeva! Please Gurudeva, guide me!

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